I am so lost and confused – don’t know why? There are a million things that are running through my mind now. As I sit here on the banks of the river Thames watching ferry boats scuttle by, I can’t help but let my thoughts race with them and perhaps outdo them.
I don’t know why I am writing all this? I just feel like doing so. The page 1 of this notepad has already got my thoughts sprayed on them – thoughts about what I would like to do for a career. I wonder what is stopping me from going ahead and achieving them et al.
I am convinced that you only have one life to live (human life that is) and definitely one must get around doing all that one likes and wants to do, not specifically to only a career though.
But upon introspection I realise that I am a loser without the guts or the stamina to venture out from my dreamland. I used to reason out this way – what happens on the financial security front? Pursuing all this would definitely imply a time stop to my current job and end my ridiculous career as a Business Analyst. I would feel dead guilty of having to see Sangz slog it out while I just blow up all our (her) hard earned money, what a shame?
Sometimes I am tempted to say that I should have married after having pursued all this and proving a successful career graph with my dream games. But then I believe, I couldn’t have lived without possessing Sangz and besides marriage is not a burden but an enrichment process to one’s journey of evolution. – As they say "The more, the merrier". So why blame it on my marriage? Sangz has already given me the "GO Ahead" in my venture, but then what is stopping me?
Am I lazy? Am I scared? Am I only fit to be a dreamer? What a puzzle? I always keep telling myself that I want to break free, wonder from what? One must savour his dreams, no doubt but then wake up and decide to make his dreams come true – only if he wants to? I feel I am still asleep (or atleast am pretending to be) and dreaming and that I am scared to wake up, scared that I would have to make them come true.
Every time there is an intensity such as this I firm up saying that "I want to" and that "I am going to" but then it doesn’t last and I love to push and postpone my thoughts away. I think I am contradicting the idea that "one must not dream if he doesn’t have the will to make them come true". As they say, one must "dare to dream", but what is wrong if one dreams for the heck of dreaming. Everyone does it, well atleast I do and am still doing it.
I want someone to wake me up and kick me awake with the idea of working towards the transformation, like the alchemist who could transform plain metal to gold, like Midas whose touch could transform (disastrously!) anything to gold, but then who could that someone be? I sometimes think and dream that that someone is ME. If that is true then voila! I just made one dream of mine come true, the first step towards the process of the transformation.
"I still want to" and still think "I am going to" – atleast I hope so…
